oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
