alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
