My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
