Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
