Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize