My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
