so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
