that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
