So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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