i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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