I got her a Nickelback box set.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
