I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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