so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
