It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize