He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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