; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
