He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
