i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
