i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Randomize
