6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
