Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
