i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
