Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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