You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
