Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
