When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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