i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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