So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize