with your own penis?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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