I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
