don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
