Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
