dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
