I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
