literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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