We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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