I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
