Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
