i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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