dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
