I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
