did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
