we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
