last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
