At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
