Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
