I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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