new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
