I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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