im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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