Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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