At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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