and you said cock pushups were impossible
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
