yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
