So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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