My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I wish there were birth control emojis
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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