Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
