Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
