Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
