dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
