He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
