While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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