I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
