im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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