I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have fence marks all over my body
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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