i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
