you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just pee around me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
