Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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