she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
