Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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