I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
