bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
