did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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