you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
