What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
