had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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