a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
